Don’t Drink & Online Shop
Agatha was drunk off her ass again.
She didn’t like to drink alone, but she did it anyway. She couldn’t help that since Trevor left her, she was almost always alone. He gained custody of all her friends during the breakup.
She sighed and lifted the wine bottle to her lips as a silent tear slipped down her cheek. It was empty, so she swore and tossed it aside. It landed with a thud on the cheap carpet of her apartment. It should have broken - she was lucky it didn’t - but she was beyond caring why the laws of physics weren’t working at the moment.
Maybe I forgot to pay the gravity bill.
She laughed until she hiccoughed at her own joke and pulled out her phone. As she scrolled through her social media, she kept seeing ad after ad urging her to buy her own star.
“A star is a gift they’ll never forget!” one ad boasted. Another said, “It’s the best gift in the universe!”
She rolled her eyes and hit purchase. As she blacked out on her couch, she got an email informing her that she would receive more information on her purchase shortly.
There was a pounding on her head and at her door. Agatha pried open one eye and shut it immediately when she was assaulted by the sunshine streaming in through the still-open curtains. Fuck!
“Yeah, yeah,” she muttered as the pounding continued. “I’m coming!”
When she ripped the door open, there was something not human staring back at her. She tried to slam the door, but the thing gripped the edge of the door and held it open.
“Miss Wells?” It asked in a thick New Jersey accent. The creature was well over six feet tall and looked like a cross between a kangaroo and a lizard. Small, thin scales covered its body, and over its long, muscular legs bent backward like a kangaroo, and it was wearing what looked like a spacesuit from a low-budget 2010s sci-fi show.
“Yeah?” Agatha blinked. “What do you want?”
“I am here to talk to you about the star that you adopted.”
“The star?”
“Last night, you adopted a star.” It cleared its throat. “You may have been inebriated at the time.”
“Yeah,” she said, her voice small. “That happens a lot around here. Come in, please. You’ll scare the neighbors.”
“Thank you.” The creature followed her into her one-bedroom apartment and sat down gingerly on her third-hand couch. “My name is Saesrt Ywek, and I am from the Interplanetary Foundation for the Future.”
“No shit?”
“No shit,” it promised.
Agatha needed to sit down. She’d heard of the tequila monster - remembered it from her college days, actually - but she’d never thought there might be a wine alien.
“About the Star, Hubrexion 6428,” it started to say. “It is part of a small system that only has three planets - all of whom are in danger.”
“Whom?”
“The planets are alive. I believe that your race would equate it to Gaia or a living planet.”
“Sure.”
“Since you completed the adoption online, I’m here to tell you about your duties as their caretaker, and help acclimate you to that role.”
“I didn’t sign up to care for three whole planets! I thought it was one of those silly things, like buying a yard of land in Scotland to become a Laird or planting a tree in some desert somewhere!”
“You clicked the checkbox that said, ‘I understand that by adopting this star, I agree to full responsibility for its planets and the populations contained therein.’ Do you not remember that?”
“NO!” Agatha cried. She didn’t want to have this discussion sober. She flung herself up and stomped to the kitchen. When she opened the cabinet, the only spirit left was triple sec. She shrugged and took a hearty swallow from the bottle.
“I must order you to cease drinking poison, and command you to have an actual conversation with me!” Saesrt ordered.
“Look,” Agatha said, turning to the alien. “I just found out that aliens are real, and now I’m in charge of a whole solar system. If drinking got me into this mess, maybe drinking can get me out of it again.”
Saesrt made a noise that sounded like an exasperated sigh, but Agatha couldn’t be sure because the sound came from where its ears should be. Was that where its nostrils were?
It didn’t matter.
Agatha took another healthy swallow, making direct eye contact with the alien. In response, Saesrt pulled out something that looked like a ray gun from the 50s and pointed at her. Her eyes had a millisecond to grow wide before everything went black.
She woke on a hard slab of something cold and metal, what felt like several hours later. She opened her eyes and looked around. It looked like a 50s interpretation of a spaceship. Shit!
“Good, you’re awake,” Saesrt deadpanned in their uncanny New Jersey accent. “We are enroute to Hubrexion 6428, and you will meet with the Interplanetary Foundation for the Future to discuss your role in their salvation.”
“Why do I-”
“I took the liberty of removing the poison from your system. You are quite sober, and this is not a dream.” The creature smiled, showing a great number of teeth. “You are the responsible guardian for this solar system, and you will handle it with sobriety and dignity.”
